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WARNING: CONTAINS BITING SATIRE!
AUTHOR'S PREFACE
What you are holding in your hands is a kind of "literary filk", the first of its kind, to my knowledge. [Subsequent note: for the sake of accuracy, I have to amend this by recalling an effort by a group of folks in the Barony of Wurmwald who produced a volume called The New Book of the Courtier, after Castiglione. - GoB, 3/97] Just as a filksong takes a tune (usually out of period) and puts new words to it, most often lyrics relevant to the SCA, I have done something similar.
My basis for this work is C. S. Lewis' masterpiece, The Screwtape Letters, a series of letters purporting to be from a senior-ranking devil, Screwtape, to his nephew Wormwood, who has just been posted to his first assignment, tempting a munitions factory worker in wartime Britain. In the 50 years since it was written, millions have found this to be a most compelling conceit. Lewis was one of the foremost Christian writers of this century, and made no effort to blunt the moral overtones of his subject matter. In the SCA, we hold virtues such as honor, chivalry, and courtesy to be our central purpose for existence. I have tried to make these ideals the central theme of my work.
What I have done is presumption, pure and simple. I have presumed to take Lewis' characters, Screwtape and Wormwood, and place them into our milieu. How might devils look at the SCA? What aspects would they seek to avoid, and where might they find situations to their benefit?
The SCA itself includes a wide variety of religious beliefs. If you do not happen to believe in personal damnation, you might simply be comfortable reading this as a work of science fiction, akin to Niven and Pournelle's Inferno. If you do happen to believe that there is a power of evil in the universe, striving to take advantage of our failures in life, you may find my work disrespectful, or even blasphemous. I make no claim that anything I have written here is anything more than a work of fiction, of fancy.
This work contains much that falls into the category of social commentary. My point of view comes from my membership in the SCA, which has spanned nearly 16 years as of this writing, and residence in three kingdoms. I have been a Prince, a knight, a kingdom seneschal, and of course, a rank newcomer. If you disagree with my opinions, well, that's your right.
Screwtape would rather I didn't say this, but if you can make positive use out of anything in this, please don't hesitate to do so. If you find it outrageous, foolish, or just plain wrong, try not to let it bother you. You probably don't need my advice; I'm sure you have virtue enough.
Finally, the "Banned in Ansteorra" label on the cover is thanks to a former Kingdom Chronicler, who reprimanded the local newsletter editor who printed the first of these letters, and ordered that no more be published, saying that it showed the SCA in a bad light. I suggest that it's just a light, and that we must take the bad with the good.
- Viscount Galen of Bristol, KSCA, CSM, etc.
January, 1995
So your patient has joined the Society for Creative Anachronism. Kindly control yourself; while a favorable step, this is not such a triumph as you imagine. In the end, the SCA is as much an opportunity for the enemy as it is for us. Its founding ideals are all disgustingly virtuous, and some of its members have met with great success in personifying these values. It would be best to keep your man away from those.
Fortunately, there is ample opportunity. The SCA is rife with the vain, the gluttonous, the lustful, the avaricious, the proud, the enraged, and the deceitful. Of course our work to suppress such (to us) harmful literary notions as " The Seven Deadly Sins" has met with such success that, even to such (comparatively) well-read folk as SCA members, " The Seven Deadly Sins" is merely a trivia question, and one which few of them could fully answer. They are largely ignorant and unwary of these well-laid traps.
By associating your man with these, while blindly supposing that having sent $25.00 to California makes him somehow superior (never let him examine in what way he is superior!), he will make such people his admired role models, and aspire to emulate them, all because of their pretend "rank', no matter how low it actually may be in their organization.
Remember, to him it all seems magical and wonderful. The most ludicrous fabric and rusty metal armor seems to him gleaming and glorious. Crudely-executed heraldry and a simple campfire can make him think himself 'transported' to another, supposedly better time. That he has little idea of how life was actually lived in that time, he should not be allowed to notice. Nor should he actually bestir himself to try to practice any of the virtues he honors the past for embodying.
Rather, let him think that, solely by virtue of his SCA membership, his conduct is automatically chivalrous, honorable, and courteous; this may seem difficult, but it is not. He does not know what chivalry, honor or courtesy really are; what he does know is that these qualities are expected of all SCA members. As he is an SCA member, his tendency is to think of himself as practicing these behaviours. That he wants to be virtuous is not in our favor; however, through only a little subtle misdirection on your part, his attention can be drawn away from his conduct, which he might improve, to his ideals, which will -- especially now at first -- blind him to his own faults.
In my next, we shall discuss what sort of company to avoid, and which to seek.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
I wonder that you should ask me whether you should encourage your man to be a fighter or no. Did you not save the letters I sent you on your last patient? Such a second chance as you have is a rare thing, to be treasured. Do not fail again.
Very well, I see we must review the basics. Like any other activity, combat in the SCA is good or bad only insofar as to what use the participants (and we) make of it. Use your best judgment; however poor it is, your judgment must do.
Is he the sort who would enjoy combat for its own sake? Would he be fulfilled by the knowledge that he is making his best effort, and that his skill is improving? Would he think it a day well-spent in which he exerted and sweated and put out his level best only to be defeated? Could he take pleasure and smile of such a day?
If so, guide him away from fighting. Point out the expense, the violence (even though the violence is mock -- they show more courtesy to each other on the field than in traffic), the time-consuming nature of it all -- there are so many other things he could be doing, and besides, there'll be plenty of time for fighting later! (In such a case he should be guided towards heraldry, or autocratting feasts or anything out of the limelight and unappreciated. We'll see how long his self-fulfilled attitude lasts then!)
But if he is the sort for whom fighting is a means -- to respect, to rank, to power -- or to whom fighting is a chance to indulge his cruelty, his pride or compensate for his imagined failings, then by all means he should fight.
It's just the same game all over again. If his purpose is virtuous, then we deflect his attention elsewhere. If we approve his aims, then we encourage him. Fighting, like all else, is a path; but will it take him to us, or to Our Father's enemy? Our expectation must decide if we will encourage him, or distract him.
Remember, they live in their bodies! If fighting leads him to courage, gentility, courtesy, humor, affection, health, honor, chivalry, or nobility, it stands strongly against us.
But if it would sway him to jealousy, envy, resentment, disappointment, enmity, desperation, pride or a willingness to place victory above all, we must make it seem to be as attractive as possible.
I hope your patient is keeping proper company. You have distracted me from discussing what sort of comrades he should have. Next time, perhaps.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
Have you forgotten all? Have your failures taught you nothing? I suspect so, after the foolish questions in your last letter. Very well, I shall anser them, but they shall be the last.
You have asked, as your patient is to be fighter, whether he should be guided towards the earlier " chivalric" combat, or the later " duello" combat; that is, " heavy weapons" or " light weapons"?
Will you never learn? In these " either-or " sorts of questions, it simply does not matter! Light or heavy is not the question. We need to consider the " why" and the " how" . Can you honestly list for me the moral differences between rapier and tournament combat? Of course not! There are none.
For our purposes, the only question is, how can we best manipulate him? Which will make him less virtuous? Let his choice be made for negative reasons, and let him get into the habit of supporting something not because it is good, but because its opponent is bad.
Do not let your patient choose which style he likes best, or expects most to enjoy. Rather, have him decide that (although he could not explain the difference between these terms) " medieval" is somehow " better" than " renaissance" , or that light weapons is more " civilized" , or that heavy weapons is more " manly" . And by these statements, let him mean that their opposites are " worse" , " uncivilized" , or " unmanly" . Let his performance be a reaction to others, rather than an expression of himself.
This will be easier to accomplish than you suppose. Your man will join a stampede of people each trying to be more like their group's ideal, and less like their opponent's ideal, all without regard to what they themselves prefer, or are supposedly trying to re-create.
Which brings us to your other absurd question: Should your man emphasize "authenticity" or "fun"? I hope you realize by now that it doesn't matter which choice; as long as it's made for negative reasons, and executed in bad ways, we're pleased. Our interests are served.
Whether he's drumming late into the night or singing bad filksongs loudly (without regard to those trying to sleep around him), or making devastating remarks on Arts & Sciences judging sheets or in heraldic commentary letters (without regard to the feelings of those who are trying to be authentic) matters not, so long as, in his intensity, he forgets to practice the honor and courtesy they all claim to hold above everything.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
We shall now discuss (overdue though it is) what sort of company your patient should be keeping in the SCA.
You should be wary of what a wide variety of people your man may meet at fighter practices, meetings and events. Some of these will be pleasant, virtuous people, families even, who could inspire him to truly become as chivalrous, courteous and honorable as he is actually able to become. They might teach him to strive to improve himself and, worse, his conduct. Some of these are even devout religious folk, Christians, Jews, even Pagans, who adhere strongly to virtuous comportment and good values. For him to fall in with such as these could lead to a defeat of the first order. Horrible to think of, always trying to do better, and never satisfied, and trying to do still better, and better still, until he is thought a saint, and still not satisfied, and trying to improve his conduct.
Even single individuals may exhibit some of these perverse and unnatural (we have done well with that word, haven't we!?) behaviours. Beware of them. Let your man be bored of them. Whenever they start telling anything but war stories, let him start thinking (or better yet, talking) about fighting, or wenching, or drinking, without listening to their talk of honor. Guard your patient carefully from these.
Instead, teach him that he really likes to go drinking with the louder, less reserved group. He wants to be accepted by what we teach him to think are his peers. Teach him to pretend to enjoy bad beer, bad belly dancing, bad practical jokes and bad singing late into the night. Help him learn the virtue of staying up drinking late into the night and then fighting while hung over. And make sure he never stops shouting pseudo-clever insults about swashbucklers to gain his comrades' approval.
Make sure he realizes that he has more important things to do than help a lady with her load, and keep reminding him how chivalrous and honorable he is. Teach him to say that his honor is in his heart, and he needn't show it outwardly.
His company, by such a large degree, determines his measure. But don't let him realize this; if he does, remind him how the Enemy walked among sinners, but don't let him remember what the Enemy actually did with and said to those sinners. If this fails, remind him that he shouldn't think himself "too good to associate with the likes of" them. In fact, that's exactly what the Enemy wants him to think, to keep company with virtuous folk. He is much too young for missionary work, but he needn't realize that.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
Your report on your patient's first tournament was most satisfactory. Congratulations are clearly in order.
First, his conduct towards the young lady he brought with him was ideal. He alternated between neglect and mistreatment of her, while constantly reminding her that he would be fighting for "her honor" in the list (as though her absence would have made a difference to him!). Our colleague, Sochaze, helped you a bit here, by preventing the young girl from wondering what sort of representative for her honor your man could be.
All Friday night, from arrival, to set-up, to the alcohol he pressed upon her (while himself over-indulging) to their retirement together (when he pressed himself upon her) to his neglectful treatment of her through most of Saturday was very well done.
Nor did you neglect the casual discourtesies. The snide remark to the overworked list mistress, the complaints to the inspecting marshal, the public correction of the herald who mispronounced his name, even the threatening tone to the small child who crossed his path while he was in armor. Wormwood, I do detect the first glimmerings of style in your work!
Best of all, of course, was his conduct on the field. You did perfectly in bringing him to the point of losing his temper over what he thought was his opponent's refusal to call good blows. He never suspected you had distracted him from throwing them properly. He felt perfectly justified in shrugging off the blow that dented his helm, and actually believed his victory honorably won.
Then, when his second-round opponent struck his biceps, you encouraged him to let the pain blind him to anything but rage. Without calling the blow, he simply went berserk, ignoring blows raining on his helm and legs, until the blow to his belly that doubled him over. As he left the field, he attended well to your voice repeating how terribly wronged he had been.
Finally, when he ignored Count Gray's blow to his leg in the third round, and the Count delivered him a blow to the temple that staggered him, his pride (inflamed by you) led him to think how awful it was that knights should so abuse newer fighters.
Although it must have seemed anti-climactic to you, his obnoxious behaviour for the rest of the event was also smoothly handled. Well done! At this rate, he'll be solidly yours in a short time indeed.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
Let us consider the dual nature of knighthood in the Society, and how we can put it to use.
So much of the attention of SCA members is fixed on knighthood (although some may simply call it "peerage" to avoid an emphasis on fighting, or to include their other peers) because so many of these people were raised on tales of King Arthur, the Round Table, St. George and the like.
The SCA has two types of knights: "ideal" knights and "real" knights.
"Ideal" Knights are always honorable, humble, puissant, courteous, respectable and pious. There are no "ideal" knights in existence. This is a picture they hold up to discuss knighthood, but it has little basis in any reality, either in history or in their absurd "Current Middle Ages".
"Real" knights are the actual people who have been knighted in the SCA. Real knights are supposed to be trying to behave like ideal knights, but in reality most believe that they have "made it" and that their conduct is "chivalrous enough". While there are a few whose unstinting efforts to realize the ideal has made them very good indeed, they are a minority, and their humility prevents them from drawing attention to it.
You can use this duality to make your patient into the sort of knight we want him to be. Even the best knights cannot be ideal all the time. Let your man think that the ideal behavior is merely show -- meaningless and unimportant froth. The lapses from ideal behavior is what your patient should be taught to think of as "real" knighthood.
Thus, the lost temper, the ignored blow, the drunken revel, the worst armor, the out-of-practice tourney, all these can be made to be seen as the standard of "real" knighthood. Your man, combining the worst aspects of several knights, may even be led to consider himself worthy of knighthood now! This can lead to a very satisfying sort of simmering discontent.
By this method, whenever your man begins to think of the "ideal" knight, you can distract him by leading him to find examples of the ideal quality among the real knights. Soon, he will cease altogether to try to be like the ideal knight, and will instead try to emulate flawed models: real human people.
This emphasis on "reality" or "what is possible" at the expense of pursuing excellence has been used effectively by us for decades to undermine the efforts of men. It's a proven method -- use it!
But don't let him recall that all he does changes reality, either for thebetter, or the worse, depending on his goals.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
It's no good complaining to me about it. It was bound to happen, the way you were handling him.
If you had mellowed him just a little, you could have played his pride for years. You could have moderated his outbursts of temper by directing some of it inward. You could have made his blow-calling less blatant. You could have taught him to say the courteous speeches necessary on the field in an insulting way.
As it is, you've lost much ground to the Enemy. Of course you're right, Count Gray stepped outside the rules (not actually breaking them) to pull your patient right out of your influence. Count Gray is far advanced in the enemy's service; I've checked his dossier. He is actually quite close to the "ideal" knight I've spoken of. His family are good role models, and they reach out and help others for no apparent gain. Disgusting!
And your man fell for it! You must have realized he would. What does your man admire? What have you taught him to admire? Dominance on the field. Well, here is the most skilled fighter in your man's acquaintance. He has offered him what you have taught him to desire most. In return, he must learn to practice those courtesies he's previously only believed he was practicing!
Deflect him from this, Wormwood. Once your man actually begins behaving in a courteous, chivalrous way, you may be on your way to losing him altogether. He will find this insipid, virtuous, weak conduct enjoyable! He will find it rewarding! He will make a habit of such behavior. You must not let him.
Re-focus his attention on a new goal. Now that Count Gray has "taken him under his wing" as it were, he should fix his sights on becoming a squire. Let him go overboard, insincerely saying chivalrous inanities, rushing to carry ladies' baskets, wearing himself out with mock courtesy and public chivalry until he's exhausted, and then neglect it all when Count Gray can't see. If his idea is to use this conduct as a means to becoming a squire, rather than behaving courteously for its own sake, he'll soon drop it when he is made a squire, or when he gives up on his goal.
Also, make him obsequious. Get him following the Count around, carrying things for him, asking his advice, complimenting him. Maybe he can disgust the Count so much as to be expelled from his company. That is devoutly to be wished. Have your man suppress his dignity to try to serve Count Gray -- nothing will repel the Count more than such subservience. Fortunately, your man has been rendered incapable of the sort of dignified consideration that would really please Count Gray.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
I see that you've met with some limited success in striving to focus your patient on his ambition to become Count Gray's squire. You now have him emulating other squires' foolish playful behavior as though it were the duty of a squire-aspirant, much like a fraternity pledge.
Your effort to make him constantly obsequious to Count Gray, and always underfoot has failed, but you have responded well. He is now engaged in the peculiar practice of following the knight around specifically in order to not help him. While you are about this, don't forget to prompt him to tease anyone who actually might assist the Count with his armor or pavilion as a " brown-noser" .
This may prove a successful tack. You have him paying lip-service to the ideals while not actually practicing any of them. Just remember to keep it all in moderation.
Then of course there is the matter of him actually annoying Count Gray. Whenever the Count begins to play his role in a ceremonious fashion, " putting on his hat" , so to speak, your man, sooner or later, in private or even in public, will be there to tease him about becoming arrogant or trying to grab attention. Count Gray will laugh at these jibes, but it will begin to chafe him; he has an ego like any other.
But it is worth-while to consider what the enemy may do. Were it I opposing you, I would encourage the Count to take your man out to the field to properly get his attention again, then put him on probation for a month or so, to see if his conduct can improve. At the successful completion of this time, I'd have the Count make him a squire in order to better focus his attention on his conduct. Count Gray is the sort to enforce constant effort to attain an ideal until those efforts are a habit, and your man will never be satisfied unless he has done his best to be the best and most virtuous knight he can be.
Your response to this, should it come about, must be to try to undermine your man's commitment. Whisper in his ear of how little he's enjoying his virtuous behavior, even before he's begun. Get him to question how much he really even wants to be a squire, at least Count Gray's. There are many other knights, you can tell him, who would be honored to have him for a squire. Remind him of the foolishness he has lately so enjoyed; wouldn't he rather be doing that now? In short, get him to reject his goal altogether, or at least waiver enough to fail his probationary period.
It's completely unfair that even in these times, our enemy has bred secular pursuits that are so conducive and rewarding of his spiritual standards.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
So it has come about as I have predicted. Your man has completed the probation Count Gray put on him, and is now a squire. He constantly strives to behave, not as knights act, but -- and this is much worse -- as knights ought to act. Your efforts to lead him astray were valiant, creative and unsuccessful.
How unfortunate -- for you. Here below, as you must realize, we are none so sentimental or forgiving as to acknowledge " a good try" . We reward success, and punish failure, each in extreme fashion. I would have expected you to be unable to forget this.
It now remains to consider what next. I know that you see this patient going the same route as your previous, as well you might, but panic will not improve your prospects. If he must be a squire, focusing his entire being on becoming the best possible knight that he can, then just let him.
That's right, let him! Let him be a glorious, virtuous knight honored and respected throughout the realm -- on the weekends.
How is he spending the rest of his time? Just because his attention is focused entirely on the SCA doesn't mean yours must be. There is much you can yet do, and his aspirations for knighthood will be no shield to him; indeed it will be even more amusing when he arrives here.
Do you have him neglecting his work for the SCA? Is he not spending computer time in his office on kingdom correspondence? Does he not take off early on Fridays and come in late on Mondays because of events? Does he not spend time on the clock designing armor and costumes?
But this isn't all. He doesn't hold doors open in his office, does he? He's not painfully scrupulous if some cashier gives him too much change, is he? He's not unfailingly courteous to everyone he meets downtown on the street (as a true " knight" should be)? Doesn't he think himself better than the mundanes he meets?
Focus all of his annoying virtuous behavior, all his courtesy, consideration, honor, honesty, on his weekend games, and make him completely oblivious to any good behavior towards anyone not connected with the SCA.
Of course this must be done gradually, but when you have achieved it, you can even begin to let this sort of attitude encroach onto the SCA itself. Make him chivalrous only at events; but the gate guards aren't really at the events, and Friday nights don't count, and that person isn't so important, and so on, and so on. All while thinking of himself as a " parfait gentile knight" . Eminently satisfying!
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
" Life's just not fair!" This is a common complaint which we delight in hearing from humans; indeed it is the most commonly-uttered non-profane expression uttered by humans upon first entering our realm.
What they fail to realize, of course, is that life is far more fair than any of them could begin to realize. Their experiences are chosen for them by their maker, who tests their reactions and grades them on their performances. Occasionally, some of them are given additional lessons, and tested again. The grading to which our Enemy subjects them is divinely, infinitely, fair.
And so it is with us. Each of us is graded against one standard only: success! We are never told just when the test will end. As it says in the Enemy's so-called " Book" , we will not know the hour of our judgment. We must each be eternally ready for the judgment, the inspection, the conclusion of the test.
One of your comrades recently was caught quite unprepared for his judgment. His patient was a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism -- not unlike over 20,000 of you operating in North America, Europe and Asia. His name is not important; indeed, his name has been eradicated. But his patient was returning from an SCA tournament. His conduct there had been exemplary. Our man was working on making his driving less courteous, his mood more irritable, his manner less patient. This failed utterly when the patient stopped by the roadside to assist a stranger with a flat tire. It was not a fellow SCA member, nor was it an attractive female. Indeed, it was an irascible elderly woman who treated him with suspicion. Still, the man was engaged in helping her to mount her spare tire when a drunk driver swerved onto the shoulder and killed him. You may rest assured that your fellow made an assertive claim for him, but it was summarily denied, as anyone might have expected.
Here I reach the purpose of this communique. This sort of occurence has become far too common. SCA members killed by surprise are dispropotionately likely to be lost to us. Therefore, until further notice, you are each directed to take all means necessary to keep your patient away from the SCA. If you have a patient in the SCA presently, do what you can to drive him out. Unless you feel that your patient is sufficiently advanced on the Road of Good Intentions (in which case you may apply in triplicate for a waiver from this policy), you must take whatever steps you are able to undermine your patient's enjoyment of and interest in the SCA. Individual efforts to turn the SCA to our own ends are hereby placed in abeyance. I am personally directing a centralized effort on several fronts to undermine the ideals, goals and methods of this organization. I have confidence that the SCA will soon become a place of refuge where our patients can play in safety and with confidence that they will ultimately join with Our Father Below, in the most authentically medieval of all available settings.
