I
am just your average mutant American, in your average post nuclear holocaust
town. The year is 3021 A.B. (after bomb). The streets are empty,
except for the few courageous or foolish people who still dare to come
out of their holes and venture forth to seek some form of food which is
not canned (they have no can openers). I am one of the few who do
not enjoy eating the bodies of our dead, So I am going to go out and see
if I can find an open Pizzeria or something. Instead of that, the
only thing I found was desolation and the mailman making his rounds.
As I walk or rather roll (skateboard of course), I find that not only has
the atmosphere started to disintegrate, but gravity has also gotten out
of whack. I found this out when I looked up and noticed that there
were skeletons and rusted cars floating over my head. One other thing
which caught my eye was an ominous looking disk, which looked a Hell of
a lot like a giant pizza pie. Maybe I'm crazy or just plain hungry,
but when I saw the flying pizza I started burping. When I burp, the
ground shakes and things break. Before I stopped burping, I had left
two buildings in ruins and the pizza was tumbling down towards the Earth.
I of course excused myself and took my board over to the giant pizza, but
when I reached it, it wasn't a pizza at all. It was just another
stupid spaceship. I'm not exactly sure why I bothered to look inside
of it, seeing that whenever aliens land on Earth, it is usually just to
make fun of the mess that we made of the planet. Somehow this time,
I felt it was different as I ripped the door off of the ship looking
forward to tearing the heads off of the little green bastards.
When I finally tore my way into the ship, I heard voices. The voices
were not those of little green aliens, but of big blue ones and there was
the smell of pizza in the air. As you may know, the blue aliens are
made of pizza and have eyes of pepperoni. They were all warriors
and very destructive. Now they had come to destroy what little was
left of the human and mutant races, by destroying the entire planet.
They were doing this, to make way for the new Inter Dimensional Freeway.
You see, the blue pizza aliens were an outer space construction company.
I knew of only one way in which to stop this from happening and that was
the Butt Bomb, this being my most powerful weapon. If you are wondering
just what the Butt Bomb is, well then just think for a second about the
most disgusting, smelliest, most volatile form of human waste disposal
and imagine it happening in your face. Then imagine it happening
on your face, 3,000,000,000,000 times stronger. If you guessed gas,
then you guessed right, because when I heard those blue chumps talking,
I ran out of the ship, bent down and blew them away. When I looked
up again, the ship was gone, but on the ground and everywhere else I looked,
the blue pizza aliens had been burned just right (it didn't smell very
good, but it was edible). My stopping the aliens didn't help the
atmosphere any, but it stopped the remaining inhabitants of the Earth from
going hungry for awhile (but not for long).
.
. . And everyone did not live happily ever after
Alpha Lemur
