There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry
It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
Scott Adams
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A Bit of Fry and Laurie
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1.fighting; 2.fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4.mating.
Psychology professor in
neuropsychology intro course
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness
The New York Times 1960
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
Andrew Tannenbaum
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett
mocking the TV-violence debate
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
Editor of the Limerick Times
(Limerick, Ireland)
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
("When cryptography is outlawed
only outlaws will have cryptography")
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
David Letterman
An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1.People are animals. 2.The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain. 3.Life is antagonistic to the living. 4.The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music. 5.The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning. 6.The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum. 7.We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
E. L. Doctorow
"The Book of Daniel"
Swedens previous Minister of Justice amused the Americans on her visit. Her name is Gun Hellsvik, pronounced "gun hells week".
Ronny Eriksson
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Stupidest question of the month
www.stupidquest.com
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
Mikael Pawlo
I recently discovered that my name is an anagram for "stern moronism".
Simon Renstrom
After an obviously long night he found himself staggering about at home, when that familiar urge suddenly came upon him. In an uncharacteristic flash of common sense he managed to get to his bedroom window before unloading his guts through it. Unfortunately he was standing in the garden, looking in.
Jock Meston
alt.drunken.bastards
"Let others laugh, let others snicker We're all related in our love of our liquor"
Official Poem of the
alt.drunken.bastards
"You don't buy the drink here, you only rent it"
Toilet graffitti
Top signs you're a drunken bastard:
•You frequently urinate outdoors.
•You first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half hour later you're afraid you won't.
•You fall asleep taken a dump.
•You believe that spilling a beer is Alcohol abuse.
•You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
•Find its easier to study drunk
•You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center
•Beer ads make sense.
•You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet, and you are so dry that it sounds mighty thrist quenching.
•You wake the next moring and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.
•The space on your drivers license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".
•You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
•You need to take witnesses with you to confession because you can't exactly remember what you did and the priest wouldn't believe you anyway.
•You mix your coctails by the liter.
•You grow a beard because it stops beer thats running down your chin.
•You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic zen like piss.
•You wake up in the gutter, spit our several broken teeth, haul yourself to your feet, brush yourself off, and think "Shit, this is no way for a Bishop to behave..."
•You explain to your bank manager that you speant your overdraft "mainly on beer and women; the rest I just wasted".
•When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
•You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
•You wake up the night after a party to put your clothes on and there aren't any.
•You find yourself saying "Honesly occifer I only hads tree bears tonight!" and your snickering at his funny hat.
Seizing this rare opportunity, I motion to the airhostess and inform her that I could easily rid them of vast quantities of cumbersome beer and make this flight a lot safer for all concerned, to which she replies "Sorry sir, we don't serve drink until we are airborne." Obviously she mistook my perfectly understandable English for some alien code and I was forced to reduce my instruction to monosylables which was surprisingly met with compliance. Having secured something liquid refreshment, I released the hostages and returned to my seat.
Alan H. describing a
successful business trip
"Well, waking up hungover and snuggled up in bed with the boss's 19-yr-old daughter and having to walk out of the house past his surprised ass at the breakfast table doesn't do wonders for your career."
Duncan Johnson
alt.drunken.bastards
Um, not sure. I just had the most hilarious recollection of this episode on the Discovery Channel I saw with rabbits having sex. Truly a representation of the human experience, the male was humping away, about 300 strokes a minute, while the female had this look on her face that I can only equate with 'I wonder what shade I should get my nails done with tomorrow'. True to form, the male kept on going at it, even up until the point where he fell over to the side, losing penetration, yet still pumping away like mad.
Peter Vonder Haar
alt.drunken.bastards
"It goes a little something like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by beer drinking, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story, drink more beer, it will make you smarter.. "
An alt.drunken.bastard
explaining the Buffalo Theory
Excerpts from The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide:
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
X-rated movies are all alike... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.
"When I was in prison I was wrapped up in all those deep books. That Tolstoy crap. People shouldn't read that stuff. When we read these books what purpose does it serve in this day and time?"
Mike Tyson
All racists who are prepared to die for their contry, please do that now.
"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extereme violence."
Vivian, "The Young Ones"
A penny saved is ridiculous.
It is not possible to ski thru a revolving door.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
Assassins do it from behind.
Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
Confucious say:
•fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
•man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
•man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
•man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
•man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
•woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
Confucius say too much.
Recent Chinese Proverb
Flee at once, all is discovered!
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: Magic and bullshit.
God bless Atheism!
Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and... [Excuse me a minute.]
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
Howard Kandel
A witty saying proves nothing.
Voltaire
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
H. L. Mencken,
on Shakespeare (or me? :^)
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
Steve Martin
I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
Dolph Sharp
Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's.
Oh John.
Oh.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... the other eight are unimportant.
Henry Miller
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
Probably not Julius Caesar
"My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex".
Ogge!
You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
I feel better now, thanks
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink
I get drunk
I fall down
No problem
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago... we're one of them."
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
From an article on the growth
of federal regulations in the
Oct. 24th issue of National Review
Americans never recognize an idea unless it has white wings or a forked tail.
H.L. Mencken, 1920s
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons."
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"The story goes that I first had the idea for THHGTTG while lying drunk in a field in Innsbruck."
The same Douglas Adams,
and how he got the idea to write that book
"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
Douglas Adams, revealing one of the laws of computers and programming in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.
I will endure all this subhuman driveling shit with a smile.
Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters:
"I FUCKED your mother!!!"
neatly printed in small calm blue letters:
"Go home dad, you're drunk."
Toilet graffiti
Here I sit broken-hearted,
tried to shit but only farted
Later on I took a chance,
tried to fart and shit my pants!
Toilet graffiti
Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.
If you can not answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.
Elbert Hubbard
To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard.
Carl Sandburg
Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
Ambrose Bierce
As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
Dick Wilson
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
Kermit the Frog
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Monty Python's Holy Grail,
a comment on how Arthur got Excalibur
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Jay Leno
Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown.
Carl Sagan Broca's Brain
(Thanks to William H. Jefferys)
Beam me up, Scotty. No intelligent life forms down here.
I doubt whether nurses are virgins.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
To be, or what?
Sylvester Stallone
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture"
Bumper sticker
"Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeprody I would never had lit one."
Maxim of the Hells Angels
"What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!"
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx, The Book of Insults
1.Alexander the Great was a great general.
2.Great generals are forewarned.
3.Forewarned is forearmed.
4.Four is an even number.
5.Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
6.The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
"A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."
Audobon Society Magazine
An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead.
A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't.
"Where is an elephants sex organ? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked."
On 1st April, 1980, London's Capital Radio announced that the hovercraft service from Heathrow airport had been cancelled beacuse of the low tide. Amazing considering Heathrow is some 40 miles away from the coastline.
"Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking"
Anarchists of the world, unite!
It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Nikkid
"What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?"
Tom Galloway
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work."
Gallagher
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961
Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."
I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy.
Barry Farber, in the Journal of Petroleum Technology
I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
Unknown English Professor
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
English Professor, Ohio University
"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'"
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea..."
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
"Afterwards, the universe will explode for your pleasure."
Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
"Earth: Mostly Harmless."
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair!"
"I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime!"
"I am the itch you cannot reach!"
"I am the paper cut that ruins your day!"
"I am the parking meter that expires while you shop!"
"I am the plot-twist in the 2nd reel!"
"I am the terror that flaps in the night!"
"I am the weirdo who sits next to you on the bus!"
"I am the winged scourge that pecks at your nightmares!"
"I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3 am!"
Darkwing Duck likes a dramatic entrance
Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.
The HHGTTG
Meat is murder. That kinda makes all predators murderers.
Unknown
Redundant book title: "Windows For Dummies"
"You know, it's at times like this when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."
"Why, what did she say?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen."
Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for the Fish
"The first thing to realize about parallel universes... is that they are not parallel. It is also important to realize that they are not, strictly speaking, universes either, but it is easiest if you don't try to realize it until a little later, after you've realized that everything you've realized up to that moment is not true."
Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
"Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and say "Storms suck!".
Johnny Carson
"A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't."
Smythe, "Andy Capp"
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
"We pray for MacArthur's erection."
Sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when
MacArthur was considering a run for President
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and, furthermore, always carry a small snake."
W. C. Fields
ATTENTION
This room is fullfilled mit special electronische equippment. Fingergrabbing and pressing the cnoeppkes from the computers is allowed for die experts only! So all the "lefthanders" stay away and do not disturben the brainstorming von here working intelligencies. Otherwise you will be thrown out and kicked anderswhere! Also: please keep still and only watchen astaunished the blinkenlights.
"Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon."
Graffiti
"Cure virginity!"
Graffiti
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life - celebrate now!"
Graffiti
"It's me and you against the world. So when do we attack?"
Graffiti
"If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction."
Toilet-ceiling graffiti
"Be careful -- Your family's future is in your hands."
Toilet graffiti
"Together we're too many!"
Graffiti, Malmö
"Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem 'Ode to a small lump of green putty I found in my armpit one midsummer morning' four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging, and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived only by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos is reported to have been 'disappointed' by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve book epic 'My Favorite Bathtime Gurgles' when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilisation, leapt straight up through his throat and throttled his brain. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England in the destruction of the planet Earth."
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting"
Marvin's first ever compliment about anybody, in
Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"The only way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your fingers down his throat."
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
THERE'S NO JUSTICE. THERE'S ONLY ME.
Judge Dredd
"With a rubber duck, one's never alone."
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
To be is to do (I. Kant)
To do is to be (A. Sartre)
Do-be-do-be-do (F. Sinatra)
Yabba-Dabba-Doo! (F. Flinstone)
(C) Copywrong 1995 - All rights reversed
Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article).
How boring is life in the Antarctic? People in one group wintering at the South Pole in the 1960s watched the film "Cat Ballou" 87 times. People in another, after tiring of the westerns, Disney features and pornographic films on hand, spliced the movies together into their own production and adopted a vocabulary based on their creation that was so strange that relief crews arriving in the spring could barely understand them.
"If You Only Knew The Power Of The Darkside...
(breathe...... kooooff....... pschhhh......)"
Darth Vader
He had this van that was painted all around, you know, with large Feynman diagrams. And you know, most people would look at those diagrams, of course, and they would look like some squiggly lines and they would mean nothing. But every so often, obviously, someone would see them and say, "Why do you have Feynman diagrams on your van?" And he would say, "Because I'm Richard Feynman."
NOVA: "The Best Mind Since Einstein"
"You are not thinking. You are merely being logical."
Neils Bohr to Albert Einstein
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his
urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the
relentless march of science in 1949
"That bomb can never detonate, and I say that as an explosives expert."
Admiral Leray about the Atom Bomb
"We anticipate a global world-maket with place for perhaps five computers."
Tom Watson, IBM 1949
"All imaginable inventions have already been invented."
Manager of the American Patent Agency Charles Duell 1899
"If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now."
Larry Wright
"Guitar-groups have no future."
EMI-manager for Beatles 1962
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
Many nice things suck.
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
Robin Hood
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
Frank Zappa
In 1928, Charles King was re-elected President of Liberia with a majority of 600,000. His opponent claimed that the vote had been rigged as there were only 15,000 people eligible to vote.
The great film comedian, Charlie Chaplin, once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest for a laugh. To his surprise he did not win.
"Don't ask me questions before eight in the morning, particularly silly ones. I'm grumpy then, and I'll probably make fun of you."
"I cannot read accounts of a record dive without wanting to ask the champion how drunk he was."
Cousteau about nitrogen narcosis when scuba-diving
"You're Hells Angels, then? What chapter are you from?" "REVELATIONS, CHAPTER SIX."
Death in conversation with a biker
Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: "Learn, guys."
Crowley, Demon
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.
The eight Bikers of the Apocalypse
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Dear Signore Direttore,
Now I am a-tella you a story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London an stay as a-younga cristan man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep whit no shit i my bed? So I calla down to the receptione and tella: "I wanta shit". They tella me:
"Go to toilet". I say:
"No,no I wanta shit in my bed". They say:
"You better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch". What is sonna-wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast:
"I wanta piss". She tella me:
"Go to toilet". I say:
"I wata piss on my plate". She then say to me:
"You'd bloody not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch".
That is the second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna-wa-bitch", an why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a modern tella? I do no understand, Please tella me!
Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanta fock". And she tella me:
"Sure, everyone wanta fock". I say: "No,no you dont understanda me, I wanta fock on the table". She tella me:
So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!
How comma this cristian hotel tella the guest in such bad manner?
So I go to receptioneand ask for bill, I no wanta stay in this hotel no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me:
"Thank you and piss on you". I say:
"Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch, I go back to Italy".
Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.
Sincerely
Dicci Elgre
God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Many phenomena - wars, plagues, sudden audits - have been advanced as evidence for the hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of Man, but whenever students of demonology get together the M25 London orbital motorway is generally agreed to be among the top contenders for exhibit A.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Shadwell hated all southerners and, by inference, was standing at the North Pole.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Three people are standing in line at a bank. The first one turns to the second and says "Say, buddy, do you have the t-t-t-t-t-t-t-time?" The second one says nothing. This is repeated two or three time with the same result. Finally, the first man gets an open teller, does his transaction and leaves. The third man says to the second "Hey, that wasn't very nice, why didn't you answer him?" The second says "W-W-W-hy w-w-w-w-would I d-d-d-d-d-d-do t-t-t-that and g-g-g-get a p-p-p-p-unch in the m-m-m-m-m-outh?"
Dumheter
The moon can't fall down because it is in orbit. An orbit is the interaction of a combination of forces - such as gravity, inertia, centrifugal force and others - that result in a perfect balance. Nevertheless, it is a good idea to stay indoors as much as possible
Science made stupid
I'll rock your world!
Steve Blade :)
- Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!
- Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober.
Lady Astor and Winston Churchill
I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Deep Thoughts (Jack Handy)
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Deep Thoughts
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Deep Thoughts
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Deep Thoughts
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK."
Deep Thoughts
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Garrison
In heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here!
If you can't teach them, confuse them!
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Mark Twain
WARNING! The dates in Calender are closer than they apper.
Greate quote to put by the callender
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."
Buckfield, Maine, has a rather unusual law regarding cab drivers and sex. The legislation declares that no taxi driver "will be allowed" to charge a fare to any passenger who give him "sexual favors" in return for a ride home from a nightclub or other "establishment which serves alcoholic beverages," or any "place of business" selling liquor. [Well I think we all know what folks do when they're a little short of cash and far from home afterhours in Buckfield.]
"Sex Laws"
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh... setbacks."
George Bush speech
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
Ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused."
Correction printed in The Daily Californian
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
DIFFERENT WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER:
1.Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
2.Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
3.Ask what the order taker is wearing.
4.Change your accent every three seconds.
5.Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
6.Imitate the order taker's voice.
7.Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
8.Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
9.Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
10.Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
11.When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
