I married at 17 and had my first child six months later. My only daughter. Mom loved her first grand baby and we grew so close through the pregnancy and birth and even more after... When I was first told that my Mother was killed, I thought car accident. Even after hearing that she was stabbed, I still thought stop sign. This is an example of how the mind protects you during trauma. My mind would not let me admit for the first few days that she was actually killed, by someone. The tremendous loss I felt that she was gone was horrible. After realizing that someone actually took her life... well that gave a new emotion (anger) and plenty of questions to deal with... Who and Why? I was three months pregnant when I was told that she had been killed. My body went into labor with the trauma. My husband called the doctor and he ordered medication to stop the labor. It worked for a while. He also prescribed Phenobarbital. The wake and funeral are a daze, as are months after that. There were plenty of questions and no answers. I spent a lot of time being angry and questioning God. After all, Mom was a Christian, how could He let this happen to her. The newspaper read that she had been stabbed at least ten times, the agony that she must have felt. I could see it over and over again in my dreams, and I could hear her screams. I was put in the hospital to stop labor again. I was given magnesium sulfate to stop the labor. It worked and our second child was safe. I delivered a healthy baby boy 5 months later. After a year or so, I stopped recalling my dreams. New baby at home and my two year old daughter... things seemed to be getting better. I thought I had dealt with Moms death pretty good. At times I would break out in tears for no reason. I would laugh and start crying and didn't know why. I got to the point that I didn't want to love or to be loved. I didn't care about much of anything, except numbing the feelings. I went to several doctors asking for the medication to numb the feelings. I stayed on Phenobarbital for 3 years. When I almost lost my husband I cried out to God. I told God every thing that I felt and begged Him to help me to get past the anger, the hurt and the bitterness. I began to pray for the person that killed my Mother. Everyday, I made it habit to ask God to forgive them. Eventually I prayed for God to help me to forgive them... and finally... I really meant that no matter who did it or why, I forgave them. I realized that I was living her death and not her life. I made it a point to try to think of good things about her every time I felt sad and needed her. I remembered the way she use to embarrass me dancing in public places... and the way she use to laugh, it was contagious... and the way she use to talk to people for what seemed hours at the grocery store, people she didn't even know! I realized that Momma was a special person, and that in her 41 years she had helped so many, she made so many people laugh... and she was a wonderful person. I realized that I should want to be like her instead of not living because she was gone. About three years later, just when my life seemed happy and safe again... My younger brother Ian called and asked if he could come to my house. He was at a nearby mall and needed a ride home. Ian arrived with two of his friends red bandanas on their heads... My friend that was visiting with me that day and I talked to them about God. I will never forget the way she looked in Ian's eyes and said " You know the truth, I know you think you are cool with your friends... but when you are alone just tell God Okay if Your real come into my heart and let me feel your love" I received a call from my step Father. I was told that he needed to talk to me and for me to go over. I left and even stopped at Wal Mart on my way there. When I got there, I knew something was not right. I thought maybe it was something to do with the Moms unsolved murder case. When I saw him walk up to my car, all I could say was NO, I knew by the look... and I tried to get back in my car. He said it's Ian... I am told that I ran around the outside of his house for a while and just stopped and fell. Ian was my 15 year old brother whom was the firstborn of Moms second marriage. I was six when he was born so he was like my little baby doll. Ian was walking his bike across the Belle Chasse bridge in Belle Chasse, LA. He was killed by a hit and run driver. It took three days before someone called in with the information to catch the person. It seemed like I was feeling Moms death all over again at the same time as Ian's death. I was steady in church at that time and oh, the thought of Ian going to Hell... I prayed to God and saw Ian walking his bike across the bridge that he was killed on. I saw him lift his arms and say "Okay God if your real come in and let me feel your love." That was enough for me to believe that he did make that decision before he died. It has been almost 8 years since Ian died and almost eleven since Mom. My life has changed dramatically after the loss of my Mother and brother. Most of my days are normal, I do have days when the loss seems to grip my soul. Even now, after ten years... still it hurts deeply. I cannot say whether this is normal or not. I can only say that this is me. I still wish so badly that I could call Mom and tell her that new neat thing that my fourth child is doing. I wish I had her insight on many aspects of my life. I have learned to go on, and to live for today. The most important thing I learned through all of it is that we are not promised tomorrow. I know that we have today and that we have to make the best out of what God gave us. I also learned that we must be careful what we say to others because it just may be the last time we see them. I try to never leave anything unsaid and to be at peace with everyone, especially my friends and loved ones.