Web hosting Custom Email SiteBuilder

To

Our Jokes, Quotes, Thoughts & Trivia Page

Buckner, Missouri

"The Little Village In The Valley"

QUOTES:

"I don't know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein

"Experience is not what happens to a man, it's what a man does with what happens to him." - Aldous Huxley

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." - Unknown

"In creating, the only hard thing's to begin;  A grass-blade's no easier to make than
an oak." - James Russell Lowell

"The world is for those who make their dreams come true."   -  Harold Gray

"Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality.  If you can dream it, you can make it so." - Belva Davis

"Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds." - George Eliot

"While we stop to think, we often miss our opportunity."   -  Publilius Syrus Maxim 185

"A light heart lives long."   -  Shakespeare

"Words are the pen of the heart, but music is the pen of the soul." - Shneur Zalman

When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it
- this is knowledge. - Confucius

"Be always displeased with what you are if you wish to be what you are not.   Always add, always walk, always proceed.
 Neither stand still nor go back nor deviate." - St. Augustine

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep." - W. H. Auden

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry

"Free speech means the right to shout 'theater' in a crowded fire." - Abbie Hoffman

"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?" -- Jay Leno

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work." - Robert Orben

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." - Mitch Radcliffe

"Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen; soccer is a gentleman's game played by beasts;  football is a beastly game played by beasts." - Henry Blaha

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. - Epictetus

If a man will begin in certainties he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin in doubts he shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein

Is virtue a thing remote?  I wish to be virtuous, and lo!  Virtue is at hand. - Confucius

Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein

Learning without thought is labor lost;  thought without learning is perilous. - Confucius

When we see men of worth, we should think of equaling them; when we see men of a contrary character,
we should turn inwards and examine ourselves. - Confucius

With coarse rice to eat, with water to drink, and my bended arm for a pillow - I have still joy in the midst of these things.
Riches and honors acquired by unrighteousness are to me as a floating cloud.--Confucius

"Who steals my purse...steals trash.  Twas mine, tis his and has been slave to thousands, But he who filches from me, my good name, Takes that which not enriches him, and makes me poor indeed." - Shakespeare

"Remember, just as success isn't permanent, failure isn't fatal." - LaVonne

"To know you don't know is best.  Not to know you don't know is a flaw.
"Therefore, the Sage's not being flawed stems from his recognizing a flaw as a flaw.
Therefore, he is flawless." - Tao-Te Ching.

JOKES

Unhappy at the state of Junior's room, his mother came up with a new rule.
Each time she had to pick something up off the floor of his room, Junior would have to pay her a dime.
At the end of the week, she added up the chores and demanded ninety cents.
Junior paid her and said, "Thanks, Ma, Keep up the good work!"

An old maid found a burglar under her bed. Calling the police, she insisted that they send somebody over in the morning!

The voice on the telephone told me I must have dialed the wrong number. "Are you sure?" I insisted.
The stranger replied quickly, "Have I ever lied to you before?"

A customer walked into a restaurant and saw a sign on the wall that said, "$500 if we fail to fill your order." When a waitress came to his table he ordered elephant ears on rye. She went into the kitchen and a few minutes later the angry restaurant owner came out, laid five $100 bills on the customer's table and said, "You got me this time, buddy, but that's the first time we've ever been out of rye bread!"

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asked. "You're not eating properly," replied the doctor.

Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh . . . I don't think so . . . he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright

A little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he tapped his teacher on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."   Source: HAND! http://www.bapp.com/hahahaha/hand/

The police sent a set of pictures of a wanted criminal to all stations within 100 miles. The set contained a front shot and two side shots. A week later they got a fax saying, "We've caught the fellow in the middle but we're still looking for the other two."
Source: HAND! http://www.bapp.com/hahahaha/hand/

Some of PlanetAll's favorite oxymorons: Oddly appropriate, Bad health, Extensive briefing, Larger half, Least favorite, Original copies, Same difference, Genuine imitation, Vaguely aware, Randomly organized, Minor miracle, Intense apathy, Justifiably paranoid, Deliberately thoughtless.

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the Pharmacist, "Gimme a chap stick."
The Pharmacist asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."

A man complained that justices of the peace were misnamed. He'd been married by one and hadn't had any peace since!

Q:  Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?  A:  To get to the same side.

"I'm really worried," exclaimed Sam. "Why?" Pete asked.
"Well, my wife read `A Tale of Two Cities' and we had twins.
Later she read `The Three Musketeers' and we had triplets.
Now she's reading `Birth of a Nation!"

Famous last words in Las Vegas....Give me the money I told you not to give me!

My son was a smart youngster.  One time he brought home his report card and said, "Dad, here's my report card, and here's one of yours I happened to find in the attic!"

At a lecture series a very poor speaker was on the platform.  As he was speaking, people in the audience began to get up and leave.
After about ten minutes there was only one man left.  Finally the man stopped speaking and asked the man why he remained to the end.
"I'm the next speaker" was the reply.

More! Added 3'26'98

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY

BUSINESS INSIGHTS:  Dr. Nunley's Biz-Tips by Kevin Nunley Complaining Customers.

You probably have noticed that many major department stores take the attitude that "the customer is always right."  I often wondered where the wisdom was in this.  More than once I've witnessed a demanding customer dressing down a clerk who patiently listened, even though the customer was clearly in the wrong.  Marketing research done by major companies tells us why "the customer is always right."
Much of it has to do with word-of-mouth.  A customer who has a bad experience generally tells 10 other people about it.
Others will tell more.  The number of people who eventually hear about the bad experience can reach upwards of 100.
Simply saying,  "I'm sorry.  What can we do to make you happy?" -- can stop the complainer in their tracks and reverse bad PR.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Weinberg's Second Law:  If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker
that came along would destroy civilization.

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.

Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.

Law of Probable Dispersal:  Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

If it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV  by candlelight.

An expert is anyone from out of town.

Failure is failure only if it stops you.

Two-step stress management:  1.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  2.  Its all small stuff.

Computers run because they have smoke built into them.  When the smoke gets out, the computer stops working.

Invest in others - there lies the greatest return.

If there is magic it is in the power of faith linked to action.

Sometimes a leap is the only way - you can't tiptoe across a chasm.

What is hard by the yard is a cinch by the inch.

Remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat...

Definition: Philosopher (n): a blind person in a dark room looking for a black hat that is not there.

The thousand mile journey begins with a single step.

There is no substitute for excellence.

Whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your own soul.

For the dreamer who does and the doer who dreams all is possible.

Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so..

Nothing will be denied the one who asks with a sincere heart, and an intent mind.

Love or indifference, open hands or clenched fists - what goes around comes around.

Failure doesn't faze, nor does success seduce the clear mind, the whole heart.

If you don't know where you are going any road will get you there.

TRIVIA

The world's easiest quiz:

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

Answers:

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.            Source: Good Clean Fun http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/index.html

Q:  What has 15 tails and 15 heads?  A: 15 pennies.

Q: What's the quickest way to double your money?  A: Fold it in half.

Our Local Community Links Page