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Why doesn't glue
stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights
off?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends on the phone.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are OCCASIONALLY wardens who are sadistic.
At work we ALWAYS have managers.
A General -
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
A Colonel -
Leaps short buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks to God
A Lieutenant Colonel -
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding "BB"
Walks on water in indoor swimming pools
Talks to God if a special request is approved
A Major -
Barely clears Quonset huts
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
A Captain -
Makes higher marks when trying to leap over buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
A Lieutenant -
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae West
Talks to walls
A Senior Non-Commissioned Officer -
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the track
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
"He is God"
Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed.
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that
we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the
whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die.
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit
at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should
be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever
be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's
pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at
my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with
a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has
a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve,
black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I
ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately
that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling
at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
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