You gotta love 'em
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead."
She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her
pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't
move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the
teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later.... Da-ad....""What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No.
You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY.
Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you
ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"> Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come
in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect
to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to
turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A
long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice: "The big sissy."
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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the children's sermon. All the children were
invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the
pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on microphone, "Yes,and my Mom says it's a bitch
to iron."
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my
three year old came into the room when I was just
getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy,
you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she
replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five,that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His
mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my
math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?"
the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the
mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right
now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And
are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of
a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing,
she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story
of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part
of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up
to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky
is falling!"The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised
her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A
talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
PONDERABLES
1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get >From Sitting On The Ice too
Long?
Polaroid's.
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do Chinese Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do Factory Owners Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do Mexicans Call Four Bullfighters In
Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A
Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea
Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares Their Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A
Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their
Hats.
21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A
bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad
Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How is an Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce
The Same?
Either way, Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
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