Things I've Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone
love you.  All you can do is stalk them
and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up
trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to
destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for
about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd
better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare
yourself to others - they are
more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long
after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what
we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades,
and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you
expect to kick you when you're down will
be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends because their dysfunction makes
us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local
paper.

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones
just never go away.
I've learned to say, "Fuck 'em if they can't
take a joke" in 6 languages.


My Special List

I have a list of folks I know...
all written in a book,
And every now and then…
I go and take a look.

That is when I realize
these names...
They are a part,
not of the book they're written in...
but taken from the heart.

For each Name stands for someone...
who has crossed my path sometime,
And in that meeting they have become...
The reason and the rhyme.

Although it sounds fantastic...
for me to make this claim,
I really am composed...
Of each remembered name.

Although you're not aware...
of any special link,
Just knowing you, has shaped my life...
More than you could think.

So please don't think my greeting...
as just a mere routine,
Your name was not...
Forgotten in between.

For when I send a greeting...
that is addressed to you,
It is because you're on the list…
Of folks I'm indebted to.

So whether I have known you...
for many days or few,
In some ways you have a part...
In shaping things I do.

I am but a total...
of many folks I've met,
You are a friend I would prefer...
Never to forget.

Thank you for being my friend!


THE BIRTH OF A CANDYBAR
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet,no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Ho-ho and I'll give you a Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was,too!) She screamed, "Oh your Crackerjack tastes better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N'Plenty, when all of asudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!